shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
