I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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