Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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