how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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