dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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