i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
