I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
