1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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