Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
