I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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