you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
