I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
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