You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
