Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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