Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
