guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The police scanner is talking about you again....
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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