i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
