Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
no, he came in my armpit
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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