The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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