And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize