k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
