Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
