why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
