Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
