Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
