I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize