two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
whose ass print is on the piano?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
