Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
