I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
