i wish my penis had a tongue
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
