I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
