I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
