when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
