Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
