I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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