need another drink. this is the easiest way
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
