Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
