I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
