that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
