Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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