You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Randomize
