I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
