Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
