a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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