Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
