Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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