So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
