physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
