we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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