so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
