She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
