i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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