If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
