I think I died a long time ago.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
