Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
